What is holy? Andreas Moritz's Mongolian stones!

I knew all along that holy things were good things, not just some mumbo-jumbo artifacts and vapid, unfounded ideas dreamed up by delusional monomaniac charlatans and/or latent pederasts.  Take, for example, Andreas Moritz's Mongolian Holy Stones.  As he describes, they heal on contact - if you have a bruise and you leave the stone on it until the bruise heals, then the bruise heals; They are also great for pain relief - simply hold a stone against the pain until it goes away. This is particularly effective for hand pain because you can hold it against the affected area with the affected area (hand) for extra hand relief.

'Amazing!', I can hear you gush; 'Jesus Christ, take my $40 and give me one of these immediately before my sacral chakra sloughs off!', I hear you scream, in near total panic.

But wait...

These stones are actually SCIENTIFICALLY HOLY!

I really had no idea, but, according to the website http://www.mongolianholystone.com/ and six (count them!) recognized research institutes (unnamed) it is the ability to emit infra red energy at 0.98(+/-) microns that makes the stones, and anything else, holy.  The implications of this fact are incredible!

After a very quick google search, I found out that fibreoptic cables use this very wavelength, so our very telephone systems are in fact holy!  Remember that when you next call your mother!

Also, a simple pair of night vision goggles will allow us all to look into the divine.

He can see God

A cow, as seen through night vision goggles, therefore holy.

The holiness in these stones produces anions, which are also holy and the opposite of evil cations such as mercury, which poisons the blood and is often portentous of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes and tsunamis.  They are also able to energize, ionize and balance anything they touch in less than a minute.

Where do I sign?

But now for the depressing news:  These stones are able to activate (or holyize (my word, feel free...) just about anything else on contact - cleansing water, energizing food, making everything holy etc. So, why, oh why is this lame duck government sitting by while we all drown in mercury and lead and toxic waste dumps being stabbed in the tits by godless, half-bison, crack-addled degenerates, instead of simply buying a few truck loads of Chinese aggregates from Dr, sorry, Mr Moritz and paying some civil servants to go around touching everything in sight with them? 

Election day is coming up very soon.  This is the only choice to make.  Other than buying some of these stones....

Things can only get better...

Can't we just give Andreas Moritz and cancer a break?

Sometimes one is forced to stand up for the little man.  Those who keep up with the constant attacks on the character of honest alternative therapists, homeopaths, naturosociopaths, anasopaths and medical intuitives must be aware of the recent hate campaign against the wonderful therapist Andreas Moritz.

In the last week on the web, he has variously and apparently been described as: 'A quack', 'a cancer quack', 'a stupid, dangerous man', 'some schmuck', 'a crackpot', 'a cancer cures quack','an ignorant bullying woo-meister','Quack of the week','quack of the month','quack of the year','another bigtime quack','a dead-eyed, part-lizard future war criminal','one of the very worst things ever to come out of Germany','a shit','El Quacko the giant fucking quacking quack', 'the kind of manipulative, exploitative snake-oil peddler who should, if there is a shred of justice in this sad, cold world, be fed to sharks' and 'an evil, lying, poisonous fuck'.

The crime of this man that justified these brutal personal attacks?  Did he sell a homeopathic remedy that actually contained a single molecule of the active ingredient?  No.  Did he pass off a sugar pill without the requisite half-hour of sympathetic noises and gentle concern?  Nothing of the sort.  All he did was claim that cancer is not a disease, but rather a survival mechanism that we should be grateful to get.   Incidentally, this is the point of view of, at most,  84.673% of the population*.

Some of the points these miserable pedants saw fit to take issue with include:

1.Cancer is a desperate and final attempt by the body to stay alive.

2. Cancer does not attempt to kill the body; to the contrary, it tries to save it

3. Guilt and shame can easily paralyze the body's most basic functions, and lead to the growth of a cancerous tumor.

4. Cancer patients typically suffer from lack of self-respect or worthiness.

5 "Cancer does not cause a person to be sick; it is the sickness of the person that causes the cancer."

Who could possibly argue against the idea that cancer is actually a way of getting us to lead a more spiritual life and possibly buying more crystals, holy stones, plankton and ionic toothbrushes?  Furthermore, who can't see that it is basically our bad relationship with cancer that causes us to feel poorly?  Surely only someone who has an over-inflated ability to produce a complicated Excel spreadsheet!  You don't need years of medical training, a large double-blind testbed and gigabytes of clinical records to see that it JUST MAKES SENSE.  It is not even that he is saying anything particularly new, as this clip from a 2003 government think-tank shows...

 Why do all these people put down the man who is trying to make things a little better for us all?  Give the guy a break, go on, he has a lovely smile and a really neat beard.  While you're at it, just buy some of his products.  Go on, throw large wads of money in his bank account, it will relieve all that niggling, tumorous guilt and shame... buy his stuff... BUY IT NOW!!!!