Letter to the most remarkable healer of his generation

A of Q contributor Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the Energy Worker, teacher, psychic and 'most remarkable healer of his generation', Adrian Pengelli:

Dear Dr Pengelli,

I have been searching for some time for some healing and was impressed by your 100% success rate for many conditions.  I have also often thought of healing as being 'both simple and complex'. Are you happy for me to plump for some free distance healing first, before I 'dive in' with a one-on-one session?  Please don't think that I am doing this merely to test you out or to get something for nothing (I know just how valuable your healing time is!).

I know you say on your website that you don't need to know my name, address or anything at all about me to heal me of all of my problems, but I thought I would tell you a little about myself, so perhaps you could address my issues more specifically.  Also, I have a cousin with the same name as me who lives only a few miles away.  We fell out a few years ago after I caught him trying to break into my garden shed and damage my wormery.  I wouldn't want my healing to go to him by mistake as, frankly, he doesn't deserve it.  He still rings me from time to time and just breathes heavily down the phone. It is very off-putting.

Anyway, enough about me.  I work on a fish farm in the UK, and it is a pretty miserable existence, I can tell you!  Most of my days are spent measuring fish such as salmon and cod to get an estimate of their size and then repeatedly clubbing them in their heads before throwing their still-thrashing bodies on to an ice block.  Some days I can see off around 3000 fish, and by the end of it I am covered with blood and fish brains.  The stench is appalling.

I am worried that all of this carnage is having an unbalancing effect on my Chi.  Particularly I am concerned that I may have lost my heart chakra and it is stagnating somewhere at the bottom of pond #4, buried under some fetid fish meal, following a particularly heavy cull last month. I had a poke around with a boat hook but to no avail.  How long can someone survive without one?  I hope long enough for you to heal me.

You say that your best results have been on people who were not aware they were being healed.  That is just amazing!  A friend of someone I know had a perfect and remarkably rapid recovery from a bayleaf-in-the-throat-home-made-curry incident, for which the hospital was almost no help at all.  Perhaps that was you and she didn't even know it?  Thank you if it was!  Would it be better if I didn't know you were going to heal me?  Maybe you could email me back, refusing healing before actually healing me anyway.  Or you could make me forget I ever sent this email, surely for someone who cures cancer from a thousand miles away this must be a trifle?

Finally, would you mind holding off for the healing until after Monday, as I was planning on a sick day (This is honestly the first time I have done this all year - I am no immoral toad!), and would feel more guilty if you healed me beforehand.

Finally again, do you think, with the job I do, it would be better for my karma if I stopped eating fish?

Really looking forward to the healing,

Yours faithfully,

Colin Cobalt BSc (hons)