Richard Dawkins spotted hawking alternative remedies

Richard Dawkins is up to his old tricks again, but this time he has overstepped the Mark.  Not to mention the John, the Luke, the Matthew and the whole friggin' book of Revelations.

Professional atheist Dawkins, inventor of Evolution back in the 1970's and author of 'You are a Selfish Bastard and it is your Dad's Fault' and the controversial 'Beaver Dams: why they prove God is a twat', likes to sit on a cushion stitched from the skins of catholic schoolchildren in his mansion in Uxbridge, sipping pureed Beluga Sturgeon whilst dreaming up new ways to rid the world of all wonder, meaning and worth.

But, not content with taking good, old fashioned fundamentalism and hijacking it with Science, now Dawkins has set his sights on alternative and complementary therapy, the last refuge of those trying to live a life sans reason.

Dawkins has been buying up vast quantities of alternative remedies and selling them at discount prices at Camden Lock Market.  We saw the crafty  academician hopping from one leg to the other doffing his cap and waving a battered suitcase shouting: "Three bottles of Aerobic Oxygen* a pound, clinically proven to let you breathe underwater, double-blind tested, I tell ya, get 'em while you're still alive!".  When confronted, Dawkins, who may or may not have been drinking laudanum, just laughed and said something incomprehensible about evidence before dancing off down Camden Road in the direction of the bank, his long coat-tails trailing behind him like the forked tongue of a biblical serpent.


This comes only days after it was mathematically proven that the biologist, sophist, misanthropist and philatelist PZ Myers, whose Pharyngula blog consists of 217000 repeats of the phrase 'I hate God, he drowned my kitten!', has been running a homeopathy clinic for pets in Southern California for over 15 years. 

Homeo-Hero and computational astrologer Sir David Treddinick MP was unavailable for comment, but a computer simulation of the politician's brain gave a 91 to 167.8 probability that, had he been aware of the situation, he would have thought: "This is an absolute outrage!  Criticising alternative therapy was bad enough, but what technophobic luddite simpleton is going to want to buy anything that Dawkins has had his grubby, falsifiable mitts all over?  He may as well go and prove that God does exist after all.  Then we'd all be fucked!"

In other news, papers were recently found suggesting that, before his death, Stephen J Gould was about to reveal that he had found a 500 million year old fossilised Chihuahua in the Burgess Shales.  The animal was said to be wearing a tartan collar with a bell and a tag inscribed with a phone number and the name "Jehovah".   


* Aerobic Oxygen is a revolutionary new product that delivers stabilised oxygen into the blood stream, via the digestive system, in a safe, convenient and highly effective way. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for bleeding gums, gout, toe rot and Cancer

Letter to David Treddinick, MP for Bosworth: In support of homeopathy

Dear Mr Tredinnick,

Holy Jesus Effing Christ on high, why do people have to keep on having a go at homeopathy? 

I have been a long standing supporter of homeopathy and alternative medicine for some time now; from astrology and acupuncture to  lesser known remedies such as Tactile Pipistrelle Therapy, Activated Yams and Colonic Coelacanth Flushing.  Like you, it beggars my beliefs why Brussels bureaucrats and the Liberal/Labour Aristocracy are so intent on cutting funding for these miracles of nature and stopping me from putting whatever  I like in my bathwater!

I am glad to hear that you are one seat in politics that is standing up against this outrage.  Now is the time for action!  Also, now is the time for anecdote:  Use of alternative therapy has a long history in my family.  I remember my old mother saying: "I've only gone to hospital once in my life, and they sent me home with this bloody baby!  Never again, that son of mine!"  I took that to heart and have never knowingly gone to a hospital, although I did once wake up in one after I made a serious misjudgement about the potential danger associated with a rutting male trout in the main breeding pool (I work in a fish farm as a trout clubber - the money is ok, but it is difficult to get the stench of fish death off your skin).  I know what you mean about the moon as well.  The only time I have ever been arrested was during a full moon, and what is more, it took the renewal of the lunar cycle for all the charges to be dropped due to ambiguous forensic evidence.  If it wasn't for that, I could have been put away for a LONG time!  Thanks, moon!

I want you to know that in the coming election campaign that I am behind you 100% (Not in the 'scary stalker hiding behind the horse-chestnut tree while you walk your dog in the morning' kind of way).  I agree with you.  We should put a stop to all surgical medicine and replace it with complementary therapies.  Just think of all the money we could save cutting all those lying doctors' salaries.  We know this will work because biblical medicine was entirely homeopathic.  Noah Ark and his wife, Joan, both lived to 302 and never went near a hospital!  Jesus, as well - He is still alive now, even after being crucified!  I'd like to see Michael Brooks try that!  He wouldn't last three days!

Can I help you in any small way?  Maybe I could feature on one of your campaign leaflets with my thumbs up(Possible byline: "Using homeopathy to treat childhood diarrhorea - what's the worst that could happen?" or "If you don't use Lahiri-based medicine, you are a racist")?

Anyway, best of luck with the campaigning, you can count my vote on May 6th.

Best wishes and distance healing,

Colin Cobalt, BSc (hons)