A letter to the Reiki master

Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the fully qualified Reiki master, crystal healer, homeopath and certified Angel Therapist Practitioner Christina Moore:

Dear Christina,

Sorry I have not had the chance to write to you for the first time until now, but I was involved in an accident at work and my time has been taken up in trying to understand the court settlement.

Anyway, I have recently come into a little money and am looking to invest it in some Reiki and you came very highly recommended (second hit on Google - Congratulations!).  I have always felt I have a gift for healing and have noticed that people are very rarely ill when I am around.  My ultimate dream is to become a fully paid up professional Reikist, just like you!   I just have a few questions about the courses you run, and hopefully you can get a sense for the course that is best for me.

I see you offer to teach all levels of Reiki.  I do have a BSc(hons), so is it possible for me to move straight on to the Masters Degree?  I have plenty of transferable skills and came third in my class for my second year poster presentation.

Is it a problem that I recently lost a hand in a freak industrial accident?  I was trying to fix the aeration pump in tank 77 at the fish farm, but my hand became caught in the pump blades.  Luckily, I was used to the sight of large amounts of blood in the water from all the Salmon clubbing I had to do, or I would have been really distressed!  On the plus side, my other hand is absolutely fine, in fact, if it were an eye it would have 20-20 vision (I do wear glasses, however).  Should I be concerned about the 'high pressure hose pipe effect' of the healing energy as it leaves my stump?  Do I need to invest in a diffuser attachment?  Could you provide this through your Reiki suppliers, or could I fashion my own with material from a garden centre and some duct tape?

Strangely, my accident has led me to much more compassionate feelings towards fish and all other creatures of the deep.  I think I would have left my job anyway, even without the lawsuit.  Have you ever tried to heal fish with Reiki?  I once heard of a man who rendered a Portuguese man-o-war safe for children to handle using energised crystals and ear candles.  It is now being kept as a family pet.  I would love to be able to give something back to the fish community in recompense for the thousands I butchered and sent off to be minced into pies.  Could I incorporate an aquatic element into my studies?  Have you any experience in SCUBA Reiki?

When I gain my Reiki Masters degree, do you have any advice for setting up my own practice?  I could even use my monodextrous status as a unique selling point! 

I look forward to your response and to giving you my compensation payment in exchange for unlocking the secrets of your long lineage of Reikists.

Colin Cobalt BSc(hons)
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Letter to the most remarkable healer of his generation

A of Q contributor Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the Energy Worker, teacher, psychic and 'most remarkable healer of his generation', Adrian Pengelli:

Dear Dr Pengelli,

I have been searching for some time for some healing and was impressed by your 100% success rate for many conditions.  I have also often thought of healing as being 'both simple and complex'. Are you happy for me to plump for some free distance healing first, before I 'dive in' with a one-on-one session?  Please don't think that I am doing this merely to test you out or to get something for nothing (I know just how valuable your healing time is!).

I know you say on your website that you don't need to know my name, address or anything at all about me to heal me of all of my problems, but I thought I would tell you a little about myself, so perhaps you could address my issues more specifically.  Also, I have a cousin with the same name as me who lives only a few miles away.  We fell out a few years ago after I caught him trying to break into my garden shed and damage my wormery.  I wouldn't want my healing to go to him by mistake as, frankly, he doesn't deserve it.  He still rings me from time to time and just breathes heavily down the phone. It is very off-putting.

Anyway, enough about me.  I work on a fish farm in the UK, and it is a pretty miserable existence, I can tell you!  Most of my days are spent measuring fish such as salmon and cod to get an estimate of their size and then repeatedly clubbing them in their heads before throwing their still-thrashing bodies on to an ice block.  Some days I can see off around 3000 fish, and by the end of it I am covered with blood and fish brains.  The stench is appalling.

I am worried that all of this carnage is having an unbalancing effect on my Chi.  Particularly I am concerned that I may have lost my heart chakra and it is stagnating somewhere at the bottom of pond #4, buried under some fetid fish meal, following a particularly heavy cull last month. I had a poke around with a boat hook but to no avail.  How long can someone survive without one?  I hope long enough for you to heal me.

You say that your best results have been on people who were not aware they were being healed.  That is just amazing!  A friend of someone I know had a perfect and remarkably rapid recovery from a bayleaf-in-the-throat-home-made-curry incident, for which the hospital was almost no help at all.  Perhaps that was you and she didn't even know it?  Thank you if it was!  Would it be better if I didn't know you were going to heal me?  Maybe you could email me back, refusing healing before actually healing me anyway.  Or you could make me forget I ever sent this email, surely for someone who cures cancer from a thousand miles away this must be a trifle?

Finally, would you mind holding off for the healing until after Monday, as I was planning on a sick day (This is honestly the first time I have done this all year - I am no immoral toad!), and would feel more guilty if you healed me beforehand.

Finally again, do you think, with the job I do, it would be better for my karma if I stopped eating fish?

Really looking forward to the healing,

Yours faithfully,

Colin Cobalt BSc (hons)