Monday, 22 February 2010

Can't we just give Andreas Moritz and cancer a break?

Sometimes one is forced to stand up for the little man.  Those who keep up with the constant attacks on the character of honest alternative therapists, homeopaths, naturosociopaths, anasopaths and medical intuitives must be aware of the recent hate campaign against the wonderful therapist Andreas Moritz.

In the last week on the web, he has variously and apparently been described as: 'A quack', 'a cancer quack', 'a stupid, dangerous man', 'some schmuck', 'a crackpot', 'a cancer cures quack','an ignorant bullying woo-meister','Quack of the week','quack of the month','quack of the year','another bigtime quack','a dead-eyed, part-lizard future war criminal','one of the very worst things ever to come out of Germany','a shit','El Quacko the giant fucking quacking quack', 'the kind of manipulative, exploitative snake-oil peddler who should, if there is a shred of justice in this sad, cold world, be fed to sharks' and 'an evil, lying, poisonous fuck'.

The crime of this man that justified these brutal personal attacks?  Did he sell a homeopathic remedy that actually contained a single molecule of the active ingredient?  No.  Did he pass off a sugar pill without the requisite half-hour of sympathetic noises and gentle concern?  Nothing of the sort.  All he did was claim that cancer is not a disease, but rather a survival mechanism that we should be grateful to get.   Incidentally, this is the point of view of, at most,  84.673% of the population*.

Some of the points these miserable pedants saw fit to take issue with include:

1.Cancer is a desperate and final attempt by the body to stay alive.
2. Cancer does not attempt to kill the body; to the contrary, it tries to save it
3. Guilt and shame can easily paralyze the body's most basic functions, and lead to the growth of a cancerous tumor.
4. Cancer patients typically suffer from lack of self-respect or worthiness.
5 "Cancer does not cause a person to be sick; it is the sickness of the person that causes the cancer."

Who could possibly argue against the idea that cancer is actually a way of getting us to lead a more spiritual life and possibly buying more crystals, holy stones, plankton and ionic toothbrushes?  Furthermore, who can't see that it is basically our bad relationship with cancer that causes us to feel poorly?  Surely only someone who has an over-inflated ability to produce a complicated Excel spreadsheet!  You don't need years of medical training, a large double-blind testbed and gigabytes of clinical records to see that it JUST MAKES SENSE.  It is not even that he is saying anything particularly new, as this clip from a 2003 government think-tank shows...

 Why do all these people put down the man who is trying to make things a little better for us all?  Give the guy a break, go on, he has a lovely smile and a really neat beard.  While you're at it, just buy some of his products.  Go on, throw large wads of money in his bank account, it will relieve all that niggling, tumorous guilt and shame... buy his stuff... BUY IT NOW!!!!

Friday, 19 February 2010

The Incredible Water Vortex Magnetizer

I had to start this blog with one of the all time classics of homeopathic and isopathic remedy science:  The literally incredible Water vortex magnetizer.
The critics and skeptics were quick to scoff:  “It shows a complete lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of Physics” they cried;  “It is obvious to the most moon-faced schoolboy that you cannot reverse the polarity of hydrogen ions by pouring them from one bottle to another!” they bellowed; “What do you mean, it transfers its own natural vibrational imprint onto any water?  It is just lies!”, they implored into the cold dark night, possibly standing in a little puddle of their own urine.
But how wrong the critics were!  They were just not well-versed in the ground-breaking research of the very pre-eminent scientist Victor Schauberger, possibly because he eschewed publication in peer reviewed journals in order to maintain the purity of his science, and in turn the purity of his water.  How anyone could fail to understand how pouring tap water past a magnet six times ‘at a high rate of speed’ renders it energized and structured,  erased of any imprints of toxins or chemicals and  imploded, with a reduced surface tension and inhibited bacterial growth, is frankly beyond me.  And they are beyond help.
So convinced are the manufacturers of the Water Vortex Magnetizer that you will achieve amazing results, they have a ‘no returns or refunds’ policy on purchases, and at a miraculously cheap $36, why not buy one for everyone you know?  While you are at it, why not lobby your MP to have the Water Vortex Magnetizer available on the NHS?  Those of a technical bent may even wish to hijack the airwaves and broadcast their own home-made advert for the Water Vortex Magnetizer.   There is also talk of a nationwide water boycott until all plumbers are required by law to fit a Water Vortex Magnetizer in every tap in the country.  Don’t give up people, the re-patterning process has begun!
True art cuts deep... at the bleeding edge of science!