Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Letter to the most remarkable healer of his generation

A of Q contributor Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the Energy Worker, teacher, psychic and 'most remarkable healer of his generation', Adrian Pengelli:

Dear Dr Pengelli,

I have been searching for some time for some healing and was impressed by your 100% success rate for many conditions.  I have also often thought of healing as being 'both simple and complex'. Are you happy for me to plump for some free distance healing first, before I 'dive in' with a one-on-one session?  Please don't think that I am doing this merely to test you out or to get something for nothing (I know just how valuable your healing time is!).

I know you say on your website that you don't need to know my name, address or anything at all about me to heal me of all of my problems, but I thought I would tell you a little about myself, so perhaps you could address my issues more specifically.  Also, I have a cousin with the same name as me who lives only a few miles away.  We fell out a few years ago after I caught him trying to break into my garden shed and damage my wormery.  I wouldn't want my healing to go to him by mistake as, frankly, he doesn't deserve it.  He still rings me from time to time and just breathes heavily down the phone. It is very off-putting.

Anyway, enough about me.  I work on a fish farm in the UK, and it is a pretty miserable existence, I can tell you!  Most of my days are spent measuring fish such as salmon and cod to get an estimate of their size and then repeatedly clubbing them in their heads before throwing their still-thrashing bodies on to an ice block.  Some days I can see off around 3000 fish, and by the end of it I am covered with blood and fish brains.  The stench is appalling.

I am worried that all of this carnage is having an unbalancing effect on my Chi.  Particularly I am concerned that I may have lost my heart chakra and it is stagnating somewhere at the bottom of pond #4, buried under some fetid fish meal, following a particularly heavy cull last month. I had a poke around with a boat hook but to no avail.  How long can someone survive without one?  I hope long enough for you to heal me.

You say that your best results have been on people who were not aware they were being healed.  That is just amazing!  A friend of someone I know had a perfect and remarkably rapid recovery from a bayleaf-in-the-throat-home-made-curry incident, for which the hospital was almost no help at all.  Perhaps that was you and she didn't even know it?  Thank you if it was!  Would it be better if I didn't know you were going to heal me?  Maybe you could email me back, refusing healing before actually healing me anyway.  Or you could make me forget I ever sent this email, surely for someone who cures cancer from a thousand miles away this must be a trifle?

Finally, would you mind holding off for the healing until after Monday, as I was planning on a sick day (This is honestly the first time I have done this all year - I am no immoral toad!), and would feel more guilty if you healed me beforehand.

Finally again, do you think, with the job I do, it would be better for my karma if I stopped eating fish?

Really looking forward to the healing,

Yours faithfully,

Colin Cobalt BSc (hons)

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

You are too fat and stupid to understand alternative therapy, so throw out your microwave and join the revolution!

I was doing some research into why more people do not use alternative therapies in spite of all of the evidence for the effectiveness of scientific medicine.
After speaking to a lady on a bus, I came to the conclusion that it is because we are all too fat, lazy and stupid to take the time to understand how it works (Fig. 1).

Fig.1 The effect of eating on intelligence in data.  The red boxes show the one causes the other.  The extra lines are for statistics and should be ignored.

Whilst searching around the internet looking for a collection of loosely corroborated facts to back this up, I stumbled upon this page, in which the research scientist (I'll let that go, I'm sure he is also a very nice man) James Golik explains the secrets of his incredibly healthy life.

James Golik.  He is 147 and has not so much as had to blow his nose since before the partition of Palestine.  He is able to call forth the strength of ten tigers and only wears glasses to protect passing non-organic fruit and vegetables from his withering laser-vision. 

The part that most caught my eye was his Important Thought and Health Idea Number 20:
I NEVER, EVER, EVER use a microwave oven. If you have to ask why, you may be too dumb to own a human body and it will soon be taken from you.
He then linked to another page detailing, in detail,  the details of a book entitled "Radiation Ovens - The Proven Dangers of Microwaves" by Anthony Wayne and Laurence Newell of the world renowned Christian Law Institute and Fellowship Assembly.  The proof they ejaculate is both sickening, disturbing and wrong:

  1. Eating microwaved food causes permanent brain damage, due to de-magnetization of brain tissue
  2. Vegetables are turned into cancerous free-radicals by microwaves, killing us all.
  3. Microwaved food shuts down male and female hormone production, turning honest, hardworking people into sexless, sub-human drones with only a smooth bulb of flesh where their genitalia once was.
  4. Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability and a decrease in intelligence - effectively moving us several rungs down the social ladder.
  5. Amongst others.
By the time I got to the bottom of the page, I was so terrified that I had dug a small hole under the cover of a tree in my local park, climbed in, wrapped myself in aluminium foil and lay there shivering and intermittently wetting myself for three full days.  When I recovered, I knew that something had to be done!
I had found the reason why people are too stupic to understand alternative therapies!  It is because of the tumerous, free-radicular stupidity given out from our microwave ovens!  But more than that, Golik was right, people with microwaves ARE too dumb to own a human body AND will soon have it taken away from them!  So I am looking for volunteers to help me round up people coming out of Curries and beat them with magic wizard staves until they are either dead or vomit out their poisonous, microwaved free-radical infested internals.  Police officers are particularly welcome to apply.  I will be hanging around the Manchester Arndale semi-permanently from this coming Lammas day.  Maybe then the likes of James Golik and others (see my other posts, for example) will take their rightful places as healer-in-chiefs for the whole wonderful world, and not be simply dismissed as the worst kind of venal and exploitative quacks who prey on the insecurities and fears of the vulnerable.


Thursday, 11 March 2010

What is holy? Andreas Moritz's Mongolian stones!

I knew all along that holy things were good things, not just some mumbo-jumbo artifacts and vapid, unfounded ideas dreamed up by delusional monomaniac charlatans and/or latent pederasts.  Take, for example, Andreas Moritz's Mongolian Holy Stones.  As he describes, they heal on contact - if you have a bruise and you leave the stone on it until the bruise heals, then the bruise heals; They are also great for pain relief - simply hold a stone against the pain until it goes away. This is particularly effective for hand pain because you can hold it against the affected area with the affected area (hand) for extra hand relief.

'Amazing!', I can hear you gush; 'Jesus Christ, take my $40 and give me one of these immediately before my sacral chakra sloughs off!', I hear you scream, in near total panic.

But wait...

These stones are actually SCIENTIFICALLY HOLY!

I really had no idea, but, according to the website and six (count them!) recognized research institutes (unnamed) it is the ability to emit infra red energy at 0.98(+/-) microns that makes the stones, and anything else, holy.  The implications of this fact are incredible!

After a very quick google search, I found out that fibreoptic cables use this very wavelength, so our very telephone systems are in fact holy!  Remember that when you next call your mother!

Also, a simple pair of night vision goggles will allow us all to look into the divine.

He can see God

A cow, as seen through night vision goggles, therefore holy.

The holiness in these stones produces anions, which are also holy and the opposite of evil cations such as mercury, which poisons the blood and is often portentous of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes and tsunamis.  They are also able to energize, ionize and balance anything they touch in less than a minute.

Where do I sign?

But now for the depressing news:  These stones are able to activate (or holyize (my word, feel free...) just about anything else on contact - cleansing water, energizing food, making everything holy etc. So, why, oh why is this lame duck government sitting by while we all drown in mercury and lead and toxic waste dumps being stabbed in the tits by godless, half-bison, crack-addled degenerates, instead of simply buying a few truck loads of Chinese aggregates from Dr, sorry, Mr Moritz and paying some civil servants to go around touching everything in sight with them? 

Election day is coming up very soon.  This is the only choice to make.  Other than buying some of these stones....

Things can only get better...