Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Richard Dawkins spotted hawking alternative remedies

Richard Dawkins is up to his old tricks again, but this time he has overstepped the Mark.  Not to mention the John, the Luke, the Matthew and the whole friggin' book of Revelations.

Professional atheist Dawkins, inventor of Evolution back in the 1970's and author of 'You are a Selfish Bastard and it is your Dad's Fault' and the controversial 'Beaver Dams: why they prove God is a twat', likes to sit on a cushion stitched from the skins of catholic schoolchildren in his mansion in Uxbridge, sipping pureed Beluga Sturgeon whilst dreaming up new ways to rid the world of all wonder, meaning and worth.

But, not content with taking good, old fashioned fundamentalism and hijacking it with Science, now Dawkins has set his sights on alternative and complementary therapy, the last refuge of those trying to live a life sans reason.

Dawkins has been buying up vast quantities of alternative remedies and selling them at discount prices at Camden Lock Market.  We saw the crafty  academician hopping from one leg to the other doffing his cap and waving a battered suitcase shouting: "Three bottles of Aerobic Oxygen* a pound, clinically proven to let you breathe underwater, double-blind tested, I tell ya, get 'em while you're still alive!".  When confronted, Dawkins, who may or may not have been drinking laudanum, just laughed and said something incomprehensible about evidence before dancing off down Camden Road in the direction of the bank, his long coat-tails trailing behind him like the forked tongue of a biblical serpent.

This comes only days after it was mathematically proven that the biologist, sophist, misanthropist and philatelist PZ Myers, whose Pharyngula blog consists of 217000 repeats of the phrase 'I hate God, he drowned my kitten!', has been running a homeopathy clinic for pets in Southern California for over 15 years. 

Homeo-Hero and computational astrologer Sir David Treddinick MP was unavailable for comment, but a computer simulation of the politician's brain gave a 91 to 167.8 probability that, had he been aware of the situation, he would have thought: "This is an absolute outrage!  Criticising alternative therapy was bad enough, but what technophobic luddite simpleton is going to want to buy anything that Dawkins has had his grubby, falsifiable mitts all over?  He may as well go and prove that God does exist after all.  Then we'd all be fucked!"

In other news, papers were recently found suggesting that, before his death, Stephen J Gould was about to reveal that he had found a 500 million year old fossilised Chihuahua in the Burgess Shales.  The animal was said to be wearing a tartan collar with a bell and a tag inscribed with a phone number and the name "Jehovah".   

* Aerobic Oxygen is a revolutionary new product that delivers stabilised oxygen into the blood stream, via the digestive system, in a safe, convenient and highly effective way. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for bleeding gums, gout, toe rot and Cancer

Friday, 11 June 2010

A letter to the Reiki master

Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the fully qualified Reiki master, crystal healer, homeopath and certified Angel Therapist Practitioner Christina Moore:

Dear Christina,

Sorry I have not had the chance to write to you for the first time until now, but I was involved in an accident at work and my time has been taken up in trying to understand the court settlement.

Anyway, I have recently come into a little money and am looking to invest it in some Reiki and you came very highly recommended (second hit on Google - Congratulations!).  I have always felt I have a gift for healing and have noticed that people are very rarely ill when I am around.  My ultimate dream is to become a fully paid up professional Reikist, just like you!   I just have a few questions about the courses you run, and hopefully you can get a sense for the course that is best for me.

I see you offer to teach all levels of Reiki.  I do have a BSc(hons), so is it possible for me to move straight on to the Masters Degree?  I have plenty of transferable skills and came third in my class for my second year poster presentation.

Is it a problem that I recently lost a hand in a freak industrial accident?  I was trying to fix the aeration pump in tank 77 at the fish farm, but my hand became caught in the pump blades.  Luckily, I was used to the sight of large amounts of blood in the water from all the Salmon clubbing I had to do, or I would have been really distressed!  On the plus side, my other hand is absolutely fine, in fact, if it were an eye it would have 20-20 vision (I do wear glasses, however).  Should I be concerned about the 'high pressure hose pipe effect' of the healing energy as it leaves my stump?  Do I need to invest in a diffuser attachment?  Could you provide this through your Reiki suppliers, or could I fashion my own with material from a garden centre and some duct tape?

Strangely, my accident has led me to much more compassionate feelings towards fish and all other creatures of the deep.  I think I would have left my job anyway, even without the lawsuit.  Have you ever tried to heal fish with Reiki?  I once heard of a man who rendered a Portuguese man-o-war safe for children to handle using energised crystals and ear candles.  It is now being kept as a family pet.  I would love to be able to give something back to the fish community in recompense for the thousands I butchered and sent off to be minced into pies.  Could I incorporate an aquatic element into my studies?  Have you any experience in SCUBA Reiki?

When I gain my Reiki Masters degree, do you have any advice for setting up my own practice?  I could even use my monodextrous status as a unique selling point! 

I look forward to your response and to giving you my compensation payment in exchange for unlocking the secrets of your long lineage of Reikists.

Colin Cobalt BSc(hons)

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Letter to David Treddinick, MP for Bosworth: In support of homeopathy

Dear Mr Tredinnick,

Holy Jesus Effing Christ on high, why do people have to keep on having a go at homeopathy? 

I have been a long standing supporter of homeopathy and alternative medicine for some time now; from astrology and acupuncture to  lesser known remedies such as Tactile Pipistrelle Therapy, Activated Yams and Colonic Coelacanth Flushing.  Like you, it beggars my beliefs why Brussels bureaucrats and the Liberal/Labour Aristocracy are so intent on cutting funding for these miracles of nature and stopping me from putting whatever  I like in my bathwater!

I am glad to hear that you are one seat in politics that is standing up against this outrage.  Now is the time for action!  Also, now is the time for anecdote:  Use of alternative therapy has a long history in my family.  I remember my old mother saying: "I've only gone to hospital once in my life, and they sent me home with this bloody baby!  Never again, that son of mine!"  I took that to heart and have never knowingly gone to a hospital, although I did once wake up in one after I made a serious misjudgement about the potential danger associated with a rutting male trout in the main breeding pool (I work in a fish farm as a trout clubber - the money is ok, but it is difficult to get the stench of fish death off your skin).  I know what you mean about the moon as well.  The only time I have ever been arrested was during a full moon, and what is more, it took the renewal of the lunar cycle for all the charges to be dropped due to ambiguous forensic evidence.  If it wasn't for that, I could have been put away for a LONG time!  Thanks, moon!

I want you to know that in the coming election campaign that I am behind you 100% (Not in the 'scary stalker hiding behind the horse-chestnut tree while you walk your dog in the morning' kind of way).  I agree with you.  We should put a stop to all surgical medicine and replace it with complementary therapies.  Just think of all the money we could save cutting all those lying doctors' salaries.  We know this will work because biblical medicine was entirely homeopathic.  Noah Ark and his wife, Joan, both lived to 302 and never went near a hospital!  Jesus, as well - He is still alive now, even after being crucified!  I'd like to see Michael Brooks try that!  He wouldn't last three days!

Can I help you in any small way?  Maybe I could feature on one of your campaign leaflets with my thumbs up(Possible byline: "Using homeopathy to treat childhood diarrhorea - what's the worst that could happen?" or "If you don't use Lahiri-based medicine, you are a racist")?

Anyway, best of luck with the campaigning, you can count my vote on May 6th.

Best wishes and distance healing,

Colin Cobalt, BSc (hons)

Monday, 12 April 2010

Homeopaths stand up and be counted for World Homeopathy Awareness Week

In case you were not aware, this week is World Homeopathic Awareness Week, a traditional celebration where homeopaths and homeophiles across the world get together to spread the word of the un-ineffectiveness of the incredible medicinal amazery that is homeopathic medicine.  For years, on this week, we have swapped shaking techniques and anecdotal evidence, played traditional homeopathic games such as 'pin the remedy on the donkey' and 'guess the number of molecules of active ingredient in the bottle', planned new ways to extract money from overstretched health services, perfected our compassionate smiles and studied libel law.  When it gets dark we all head for our nearest Grumble Tent to have a moan about healthcare professionals who didn't send off for their PhD's with a coupon from the back of Homeopathy Today, while we knit hemp bread and listen to the sound of the inner vibrations of quartz crystals.  In the festival closing ceremony, we all dress up as butchered sacrificial chickens for the result of the hotly contested 'most memorable water' competition.  It is truly a thing of beauty.

So, you can imagine my anger when I heard about the hijacking of this centuries old traditional homeopaths' celebration by an aggressive and dangerous gang of skeptical bastards! The audacity of these people to take something that has been sacred to us and our kind for millennia and then subvert it to pursue their own wicked ends is so twisted and evil that it makes me foam at the mouth with each of my four humours.  The first reaction of several of my homeopath friends was to try and find all of these people and nail them to trees them for their lies, but after restraining and repeatedly slapping them for a few hours, I hatched a plan so cunning and ingenious that no-one will ever question homeopathy again, so it will take its rightful place as the only kind of medicine available on any health service anywhere in the world.  But for it to succeed, I need the help of all of the homeopaths in the world!

Join me, my dilute and watery flock!

The plan is simple and fiendishly effective - like selling snake-oil to a bus-load of 'flu-ridden morons.  We will demonstrate the ineffectiveness of modern non-homeopathic 'medicine' by staging a mass, global paracetamol overdose.  All of the worlds homeopaths can gather together in parks around the world this coming Friday and neck about 40-50 of the tablets just after breakfast.  Two hours later we can all have a 'Homeopaths stand up and be counted' photo session for the press.  Can you imagine the looks on the faces of all those non-homeopath 'doctors' as we show the world exactly how useless their quack remedies are?  How we will laugh!  This will teach them to never mock our sacred festivals again, and also should convince the proprietors of large high street chemists to stop stocking these useless and overpriced products.  Maybe even, next year we won't even have the need for a Grumble Tent!

We are the ones who dare to dream!  Join me, and with homeopathy we can make ourselves a remedial world!  Don't let these vile skeptics take our festival away from us!

We will be meeting at Dartford Park at exactly 9.37 this coming Friday morning.  If you want to stage your own smaller demonstration elsewhere, then let me know and I will be sure to disseminate the information for you, particularly if your typing is impaired by your unclipped hooves. 

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Colin Cobalt: Letter to the Ghost hunters

I recently wrote this email to the ghost investigation team of Manchester Paranormal, following an esoteric incident I had last week. (Be sure to vote for them in the Haunted England top 100 most effective ghost hunters):

Dear Ghosthunting team,

I found your site after looking for it on a web, and was hoping that you will be able to help me with my confusing and ghostly problems, as I know you are constantly looking for answers to the paranormal.

In short, I think I am the victim of a haunting, and want your help in dealing with this, ideally while taking a few photographs for my family journal, which has been quite un-appended to since most of my family went into hiding after a national Sunday newspaper got hold of their address and they had trouble with mobs.

I found a lovely pair of trousers at my local charity shop. They cost me £2.75 and are a rather fetching blue corduroy. The fit is excellent, which was a pleasant surprise for me, as it has often been commented that I have an unusually shaped behind, a little like a Yampie Yam. I did look really quite flash!

My astral-plane conundrums started the very next night, however, when my trousers levitated across my bedroom while I slept, suspended by orbs. This is the only explanation I can think of, since I am sure I hung them up and didn't leave them in that damp patch under the window. The weirdness continued the next night, when I felt a distinct feeling of coldness after I took them off, as if some mischievous spirit wanted me to wear them constantly and go out on some kind of violent attack. By now you can imagine I was becoming worried about this Pantaloon possession. Late that night I woke up to hear a smashing sound in my kitchenette. When I went to look, I saw that a jar had fallen off a windowsill and the window was ajar. I found this all very jarring, and my trousers remained suspiciously silent, although they were folded on the floor in such a way that they looked like they were smirking, you know the look: like a gloating box jellyfish after paralysing a surfer.

I went and spoke to the lady who sold me the trousers. Her name is Viv, and she likes to have a natter after her husband had the accident with the electric carving knife the Christmas before last. She said that she had heard of criminal types disposing of their old clothes in charity shops before changing into the expensive new suits they would buy with their ill-gotten gains. She said that it is possible that those trousers were worn by a robber who kicked his victim to a tragic conclusion at the back of some garages, and the tortured and lost soul of the victim found its way into the creases of the corduroy. Is this something that you see a lot?

Would your team consider investigating my trousers? I am free most evenings, other than Thursdays (when I wash) and am happy for you to film them for your website. Do you think we would be more likely to see ghostly activity if I am wearing them, or will my own movements confuse things? I am prepared to stand very still for a couple of hours if needs be, as long as I have had some sugar. Do you supply a priest to do the exorcism, or must I provide my own? I used to know one called Father Gary, but he was sent off to start a new missionary in Canada, and people round here don't talk about him any more.

If you need any more information, please let me know. I can probably send you a Polaroid of the trousers, if I can find an envelope.

Hope to hear from you,

Colin Cobalt BSc (hons)

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Up Yours, Dawkins! Proof of the existence of a designer god

Anyone with a head cannot have failed to have not missed the ongoing argument between lying, thieving, godless, nazi-sympathising, seal-clubbing, kitten-torturing, malignant evolutionary atheists and those of us with the glowing beauty of true faith in our milk-crying hearts.

The continued insistence of the satanic Darwinians for us to come up with the tiniest shred of evidence for what we all know is true has long clouded this debate, but I have finally found the proof of this great theological plum pudding, and it is sweet, sticky and a bargain at only $11,797!

Yes, skeptics, you can take your fossil records of intermediate forms, your plethera of obseved cases of artificial selection, your examples of bad design in nature, your genetic code conserved across all life and your fucking morphological homologies and you can shove them all up your collective atheistic un-enema'd arses, because here is a real spiritual healing instrument that was actually designed BY GOD!

Behold:  The Professional One Force, 50 times the universal invisible spiritual force of the next best instrument designed to promote wellness, emotional centredness and spiritual awakening on the market.

Note the on/off switch and the hand placements of God.  It all fits in a handy briefcase so you can creep about and furtively open it to show to strangers like a spoon thief at Dartford Market.

Now, to the layman, this looks just like any other instrument that will give you a glimpse into your spirit, cleanse yourself of all impurities, revise '10 tons' of errors, resonate with blissful tranquility and wholeness, go into all problem areas on all levels, wash each part of your body, cut your toenails, extract belly button fluff, make your breakfast, press your trousers, perform oral relief and make funeral arrangements for your recently deceased relatives.  All excellent, you will agree, but this goes a step further because God himself (in his workshop in Virginia Beach, VA),  was actively involved in both the design process and the marketing.  Admittedly, going by the site, his spiritual engineering skills may be a bit beyond his web programming, but hey, what do you expect, omnipotence?

So what does this all mean?
Firstly, Paley's watch.  It bloody was God and if Richard Dawkins bothered hanging around for a bit instead of having a go at blind people, he would have probably found the blueprints!
Second, If God can make a half-Angel, half-Will, three quaters-Oneness machine for total spiritual fulfillness, don't you think he could make something as simple, basic and unpleasent as a person, which even two very stupid people can make in a single drunk, bored and dissatisfied rutt against a recycling bin?  Of course he could!  You were designed and made, like a rancid sausage roll in a cockroach infested bakery.  Get over it!
Third, If God wanted us to solve our problems with reason and science, he would have built in more controls than a simple on/off switch and at the very least have provided a graph of how it works.  He didn't. Ipso facto, we shouldn't.
Sleep tight and wait for the day of reckoning, not the day of recombination.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Letter to the most remarkable healer of his generation

A of Q contributor Colin Cobalt recently wrote to the Energy Worker, teacher, psychic and 'most remarkable healer of his generation', Adrian Pengelli:

Dear Dr Pengelli,

I have been searching for some time for some healing and was impressed by your 100% success rate for many conditions.  I have also often thought of healing as being 'both simple and complex'. Are you happy for me to plump for some free distance healing first, before I 'dive in' with a one-on-one session?  Please don't think that I am doing this merely to test you out or to get something for nothing (I know just how valuable your healing time is!).

I know you say on your website that you don't need to know my name, address or anything at all about me to heal me of all of my problems, but I thought I would tell you a little about myself, so perhaps you could address my issues more specifically.  Also, I have a cousin with the same name as me who lives only a few miles away.  We fell out a few years ago after I caught him trying to break into my garden shed and damage my wormery.  I wouldn't want my healing to go to him by mistake as, frankly, he doesn't deserve it.  He still rings me from time to time and just breathes heavily down the phone. It is very off-putting.

Anyway, enough about me.  I work on a fish farm in the UK, and it is a pretty miserable existence, I can tell you!  Most of my days are spent measuring fish such as salmon and cod to get an estimate of their size and then repeatedly clubbing them in their heads before throwing their still-thrashing bodies on to an ice block.  Some days I can see off around 3000 fish, and by the end of it I am covered with blood and fish brains.  The stench is appalling.

I am worried that all of this carnage is having an unbalancing effect on my Chi.  Particularly I am concerned that I may have lost my heart chakra and it is stagnating somewhere at the bottom of pond #4, buried under some fetid fish meal, following a particularly heavy cull last month. I had a poke around with a boat hook but to no avail.  How long can someone survive without one?  I hope long enough for you to heal me.

You say that your best results have been on people who were not aware they were being healed.  That is just amazing!  A friend of someone I know had a perfect and remarkably rapid recovery from a bayleaf-in-the-throat-home-made-curry incident, for which the hospital was almost no help at all.  Perhaps that was you and she didn't even know it?  Thank you if it was!  Would it be better if I didn't know you were going to heal me?  Maybe you could email me back, refusing healing before actually healing me anyway.  Or you could make me forget I ever sent this email, surely for someone who cures cancer from a thousand miles away this must be a trifle?

Finally, would you mind holding off for the healing until after Monday, as I was planning on a sick day (This is honestly the first time I have done this all year - I am no immoral toad!), and would feel more guilty if you healed me beforehand.

Finally again, do you think, with the job I do, it would be better for my karma if I stopped eating fish?

Really looking forward to the healing,

Yours faithfully,

Colin Cobalt BSc (hons)

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

You are too fat and stupid to understand alternative therapy, so throw out your microwave and join the revolution!

I was doing some research into why more people do not use alternative therapies in spite of all of the evidence for the effectiveness of scientific medicine.
After speaking to a lady on a bus, I came to the conclusion that it is because we are all too fat, lazy and stupid to take the time to understand how it works (Fig. 1).

Fig.1 The effect of eating on intelligence in data.  The red boxes show the one causes the other.  The extra lines are for statistics and should be ignored.

Whilst searching around the internet looking for a collection of loosely corroborated facts to back this up, I stumbled upon this page, in which the research scientist (I'll let that go, I'm sure he is also a very nice man) James Golik explains the secrets of his incredibly healthy life.

James Golik.  He is 147 and has not so much as had to blow his nose since before the partition of Palestine.  He is able to call forth the strength of ten tigers and only wears glasses to protect passing non-organic fruit and vegetables from his withering laser-vision. 

The part that most caught my eye was his Important Thought and Health Idea Number 20:
I NEVER, EVER, EVER use a microwave oven. If you have to ask why, you may be too dumb to own a human body and it will soon be taken from you.
He then linked to another page detailing, in detail,  the details of a book entitled "Radiation Ovens - The Proven Dangers of Microwaves" by Anthony Wayne and Laurence Newell of the world renowned Christian Law Institute and Fellowship Assembly.  The proof they ejaculate is both sickening, disturbing and wrong:

  1. Eating microwaved food causes permanent brain damage, due to de-magnetization of brain tissue
  2. Vegetables are turned into cancerous free-radicals by microwaves, killing us all.
  3. Microwaved food shuts down male and female hormone production, turning honest, hardworking people into sexless, sub-human drones with only a smooth bulb of flesh where their genitalia once was.
  4. Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability and a decrease in intelligence - effectively moving us several rungs down the social ladder.
  5. Amongst others.
By the time I got to the bottom of the page, I was so terrified that I had dug a small hole under the cover of a tree in my local park, climbed in, wrapped myself in aluminium foil and lay there shivering and intermittently wetting myself for three full days.  When I recovered, I knew that something had to be done!
I had found the reason why people are too stupic to understand alternative therapies!  It is because of the tumerous, free-radicular stupidity given out from our microwave ovens!  But more than that, Golik was right, people with microwaves ARE too dumb to own a human body AND will soon have it taken away from them!  So I am looking for volunteers to help me round up people coming out of Curries and beat them with magic wizard staves until they are either dead or vomit out their poisonous, microwaved free-radical infested internals.  Police officers are particularly welcome to apply.  I will be hanging around the Manchester Arndale semi-permanently from this coming Lammas day.  Maybe then the likes of James Golik and others (see my other posts, for example) will take their rightful places as healer-in-chiefs for the whole wonderful world, and not be simply dismissed as the worst kind of venal and exploitative quacks who prey on the insecurities and fears of the vulnerable.


Thursday, 11 March 2010

What is holy? Andreas Moritz's Mongolian stones!

I knew all along that holy things were good things, not just some mumbo-jumbo artifacts and vapid, unfounded ideas dreamed up by delusional monomaniac charlatans and/or latent pederasts.  Take, for example, Andreas Moritz's Mongolian Holy Stones.  As he describes, they heal on contact - if you have a bruise and you leave the stone on it until the bruise heals, then the bruise heals; They are also great for pain relief - simply hold a stone against the pain until it goes away. This is particularly effective for hand pain because you can hold it against the affected area with the affected area (hand) for extra hand relief.

'Amazing!', I can hear you gush; 'Jesus Christ, take my $40 and give me one of these immediately before my sacral chakra sloughs off!', I hear you scream, in near total panic.

But wait...

These stones are actually SCIENTIFICALLY HOLY!

I really had no idea, but, according to the website and six (count them!) recognized research institutes (unnamed) it is the ability to emit infra red energy at 0.98(+/-) microns that makes the stones, and anything else, holy.  The implications of this fact are incredible!

After a very quick google search, I found out that fibreoptic cables use this very wavelength, so our very telephone systems are in fact holy!  Remember that when you next call your mother!

Also, a simple pair of night vision goggles will allow us all to look into the divine.

He can see God

A cow, as seen through night vision goggles, therefore holy.

The holiness in these stones produces anions, which are also holy and the opposite of evil cations such as mercury, which poisons the blood and is often portentous of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes and tsunamis.  They are also able to energize, ionize and balance anything they touch in less than a minute.

Where do I sign?

But now for the depressing news:  These stones are able to activate (or holyize (my word, feel free...) just about anything else on contact - cleansing water, energizing food, making everything holy etc. So, why, oh why is this lame duck government sitting by while we all drown in mercury and lead and toxic waste dumps being stabbed in the tits by godless, half-bison, crack-addled degenerates, instead of simply buying a few truck loads of Chinese aggregates from Dr, sorry, Mr Moritz and paying some civil servants to go around touching everything in sight with them? 

Election day is coming up very soon.  This is the only choice to make.  Other than buying some of these stones....

Things can only get better...

Monday, 22 February 2010

Can't we just give Andreas Moritz and cancer a break?

Sometimes one is forced to stand up for the little man.  Those who keep up with the constant attacks on the character of honest alternative therapists, homeopaths, naturosociopaths, anasopaths and medical intuitives must be aware of the recent hate campaign against the wonderful therapist Andreas Moritz.

In the last week on the web, he has variously and apparently been described as: 'A quack', 'a cancer quack', 'a stupid, dangerous man', 'some schmuck', 'a crackpot', 'a cancer cures quack','an ignorant bullying woo-meister','Quack of the week','quack of the month','quack of the year','another bigtime quack','a dead-eyed, part-lizard future war criminal','one of the very worst things ever to come out of Germany','a shit','El Quacko the giant fucking quacking quack', 'the kind of manipulative, exploitative snake-oil peddler who should, if there is a shred of justice in this sad, cold world, be fed to sharks' and 'an evil, lying, poisonous fuck'.

The crime of this man that justified these brutal personal attacks?  Did he sell a homeopathic remedy that actually contained a single molecule of the active ingredient?  No.  Did he pass off a sugar pill without the requisite half-hour of sympathetic noises and gentle concern?  Nothing of the sort.  All he did was claim that cancer is not a disease, but rather a survival mechanism that we should be grateful to get.   Incidentally, this is the point of view of, at most,  84.673% of the population*.

Some of the points these miserable pedants saw fit to take issue with include:

1.Cancer is a desperate and final attempt by the body to stay alive.
2. Cancer does not attempt to kill the body; to the contrary, it tries to save it
3. Guilt and shame can easily paralyze the body's most basic functions, and lead to the growth of a cancerous tumor.
4. Cancer patients typically suffer from lack of self-respect or worthiness.
5 "Cancer does not cause a person to be sick; it is the sickness of the person that causes the cancer."

Who could possibly argue against the idea that cancer is actually a way of getting us to lead a more spiritual life and possibly buying more crystals, holy stones, plankton and ionic toothbrushes?  Furthermore, who can't see that it is basically our bad relationship with cancer that causes us to feel poorly?  Surely only someone who has an over-inflated ability to produce a complicated Excel spreadsheet!  You don't need years of medical training, a large double-blind testbed and gigabytes of clinical records to see that it JUST MAKES SENSE.  It is not even that he is saying anything particularly new, as this clip from a 2003 government think-tank shows...

 Why do all these people put down the man who is trying to make things a little better for us all?  Give the guy a break, go on, he has a lovely smile and a really neat beard.  While you're at it, just buy some of his products.  Go on, throw large wads of money in his bank account, it will relieve all that niggling, tumorous guilt and shame... buy his stuff... BUY IT NOW!!!!

Friday, 19 February 2010

The Incredible Water Vortex Magnetizer

I had to start this blog with one of the all time classics of homeopathic and isopathic remedy science:  The literally incredible Water vortex magnetizer.
The critics and skeptics were quick to scoff:  “It shows a complete lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of Physics” they cried;  “It is obvious to the most moon-faced schoolboy that you cannot reverse the polarity of hydrogen ions by pouring them from one bottle to another!” they bellowed; “What do you mean, it transfers its own natural vibrational imprint onto any water?  It is just lies!”, they implored into the cold dark night, possibly standing in a little puddle of their own urine.
But how wrong the critics were!  They were just not well-versed in the ground-breaking research of the very pre-eminent scientist Victor Schauberger, possibly because he eschewed publication in peer reviewed journals in order to maintain the purity of his science, and in turn the purity of his water.  How anyone could fail to understand how pouring tap water past a magnet six times ‘at a high rate of speed’ renders it energized and structured,  erased of any imprints of toxins or chemicals and  imploded, with a reduced surface tension and inhibited bacterial growth, is frankly beyond me.  And they are beyond help.
So convinced are the manufacturers of the Water Vortex Magnetizer that you will achieve amazing results, they have a ‘no returns or refunds’ policy on purchases, and at a miraculously cheap $36, why not buy one for everyone you know?  While you are at it, why not lobby your MP to have the Water Vortex Magnetizer available on the NHS?  Those of a technical bent may even wish to hijack the airwaves and broadcast their own home-made advert for the Water Vortex Magnetizer.   There is also talk of a nationwide water boycott until all plumbers are required by law to fit a Water Vortex Magnetizer in every tap in the country.  Don’t give up people, the re-patterning process has begun!
True art cuts deep... at the bleeding edge of science!