Richard Dawkins spotted hawking alternative remedies

Richard Dawkins is up to his old tricks again, but this time he has overstepped the Mark.  Not to mention the John, the Luke, the Matthew and the whole friggin' book of Revelations.

Professional atheist Dawkins, inventor of Evolution back in the 1970's and author of 'You are a Selfish Bastard and it is your Dad's Fault' and the controversial 'Beaver Dams: why they prove God is a twat', likes to sit on a cushion stitched from the skins of catholic schoolchildren in his mansion in Uxbridge, sipping pureed Beluga Sturgeon whilst dreaming up new ways to rid the world of all wonder, meaning and worth.

But, not content with taking good, old fashioned fundamentalism and hijacking it with Science, now Dawkins has set his sights on alternative and complementary therapy, the last refuge of those trying to live a life sans reason.

Dawkins has been buying up vast quantities of alternative remedies and selling them at discount prices at Camden Lock Market.  We saw the crafty  academician hopping from one leg to the other doffing his cap and waving a battered suitcase shouting: "Three bottles of Aerobic Oxygen* a pound, clinically proven to let you breathe underwater, double-blind tested, I tell ya, get 'em while you're still alive!".  When confronted, Dawkins, who may or may not have been drinking laudanum, just laughed and said something incomprehensible about evidence before dancing off down Camden Road in the direction of the bank, his long coat-tails trailing behind him like the forked tongue of a biblical serpent.


This comes only days after it was mathematically proven that the biologist, sophist, misanthropist and philatelist PZ Myers, whose Pharyngula blog consists of 217000 repeats of the phrase 'I hate God, he drowned my kitten!', has been running a homeopathy clinic for pets in Southern California for over 15 years. 

Homeo-Hero and computational astrologer Sir David Treddinick MP was unavailable for comment, but a computer simulation of the politician's brain gave a 91 to 167.8 probability that, had he been aware of the situation, he would have thought: "This is an absolute outrage!  Criticising alternative therapy was bad enough, but what technophobic luddite simpleton is going to want to buy anything that Dawkins has had his grubby, falsifiable mitts all over?  He may as well go and prove that God does exist after all.  Then we'd all be fucked!"

In other news, papers were recently found suggesting that, before his death, Stephen J Gould was about to reveal that he had found a 500 million year old fossilised Chihuahua in the Burgess Shales.  The animal was said to be wearing a tartan collar with a bell and a tag inscribed with a phone number and the name "Jehovah".   


* Aerobic Oxygen is a revolutionary new product that delivers stabilised oxygen into the blood stream, via the digestive system, in a safe, convenient and highly effective way. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for bleeding gums, gout, toe rot and Cancer

Letter to David Treddinick, MP for Bosworth: In support of homeopathy

Dear Mr Tredinnick,

Holy Jesus Effing Christ on high, why do people have to keep on having a go at homeopathy? 

I have been a long standing supporter of homeopathy and alternative medicine for some time now; from astrology and acupuncture to  lesser known remedies such as Tactile Pipistrelle Therapy, Activated Yams and Colonic Coelacanth Flushing.  Like you, it beggars my beliefs why Brussels bureaucrats and the Liberal/Labour Aristocracy are so intent on cutting funding for these miracles of nature and stopping me from putting whatever  I like in my bathwater!

I am glad to hear that you are one seat in politics that is standing up against this outrage.  Now is the time for action!  Also, now is the time for anecdote:  Use of alternative therapy has a long history in my family.  I remember my old mother saying: "I've only gone to hospital once in my life, and they sent me home with this bloody baby!  Never again, that son of mine!"  I took that to heart and have never knowingly gone to a hospital, although I did once wake up in one after I made a serious misjudgement about the potential danger associated with a rutting male trout in the main breeding pool (I work in a fish farm as a trout clubber - the money is ok, but it is difficult to get the stench of fish death off your skin).  I know what you mean about the moon as well.  The only time I have ever been arrested was during a full moon, and what is more, it took the renewal of the lunar cycle for all the charges to be dropped due to ambiguous forensic evidence.  If it wasn't for that, I could have been put away for a LONG time!  Thanks, moon!

I want you to know that in the coming election campaign that I am behind you 100% (Not in the 'scary stalker hiding behind the horse-chestnut tree while you walk your dog in the morning' kind of way).  I agree with you.  We should put a stop to all surgical medicine and replace it with complementary therapies.  Just think of all the money we could save cutting all those lying doctors' salaries.  We know this will work because biblical medicine was entirely homeopathic.  Noah Ark and his wife, Joan, both lived to 302 and never went near a hospital!  Jesus, as well - He is still alive now, even after being crucified!  I'd like to see Michael Brooks try that!  He wouldn't last three days!

Can I help you in any small way?  Maybe I could feature on one of your campaign leaflets with my thumbs up(Possible byline: "Using homeopathy to treat childhood diarrhorea - what's the worst that could happen?" or "If you don't use Lahiri-based medicine, you are a racist")?

Anyway, best of luck with the campaigning, you can count my vote on May 6th.

Best wishes and distance healing,

Colin Cobalt, BSc (hons)

Homeopaths stand up and be counted for World Homeopathy Awareness Week

In case you were not aware, this week is World Homeopathic Awareness Week, a traditional celebration where homeopaths and homeophiles across the world get together to spread the word of the un-ineffectiveness of the incredible medicinal amazery that is homeopathic medicine.  For years, on this week, we have swapped shaking techniques and anecdotal evidence, played traditional homeopathic games such as 'pin the remedy on the donkey' and 'guess the number of molecules of active ingredient in the bottle', planned new ways to extract money from overstretched health services, perfected our compassionate smiles and studied libel law.  When it gets dark we all head for our nearest Grumble Tent to have a moan about healthcare professionals who didn't send off for their PhD's with a coupon from the back of Homeopathy Today, while we knit hemp bread and listen to the sound of the inner vibrations of quartz crystals.  In the festival closing ceremony, we all dress up as butchered sacrificial chickens for the result of the hotly contested 'most memorable water' competition.  It is truly a thing of beauty.


So, you can imagine my anger when I heard about the hijacking of this centuries old traditional homeopaths' celebration by an aggressive and dangerous gang of skeptical bastards! The audacity of these people to take something that has been sacred to us and our kind for millennia and then subvert it to pursue their own wicked ends is so twisted and evil that it makes me foam at the mouth with each of my four humours.  The first reaction of several of my homeopath friends was to try and find all of these people and nail them to trees them for their lies, but after restraining and repeatedly slapping them for a few hours, I hatched a plan so cunning and ingenious that no-one will ever question homeopathy again, so it will take its rightful place as the only kind of medicine available on any health service anywhere in the world.  But for it to succeed, I need the help of all of the homeopaths in the world!

Join me, my dilute and watery flock!

The plan is simple and fiendishly effective - like selling snake-oil to a bus-load of 'flu-ridden morons.  We will demonstrate the ineffectiveness of modern non-homeopathic 'medicine' by staging a mass, global paracetamol overdose.  All of the worlds homeopaths can gather together in parks around the world this coming Friday and neck about 40-50 of the tablets just after breakfast.  Two hours later we can all have a 'Homeopaths stand up and be counted' photo session for the press.  Can you imagine the looks on the faces of all those non-homeopath 'doctors' as we show the world exactly how useless their quack remedies are?  How we will laugh!  This will teach them to never mock our sacred festivals again, and also should convince the proprietors of large high street chemists to stop stocking these useless and overpriced products.  Maybe even, next year we won't even have the need for a Grumble Tent!


We are the ones who dare to dream!  Join me, and with homeopathy we can make ourselves a remedial world!  Don't let these vile skeptics take our festival away from us!


We will be meeting at Dartford Park at exactly 9.37 this coming Friday morning.  If you want to stage your own smaller demonstration elsewhere, then let me know and I will be sure to disseminate the information for you, particularly if your typing is impaired by your unclipped hooves.