Tuesday, 16 March 2010

You are too fat and stupid to understand alternative therapy, so throw out your microwave and join the revolution!

I was doing some research into why more people do not use alternative therapies in spite of all of the evidence for the effectiveness of scientific medicine.
After speaking to a lady on a bus, I came to the conclusion that it is because we are all too fat, lazy and stupid to take the time to understand how it works (Fig. 1).

Fig.1 The effect of eating on intelligence in data.  The red boxes show the one causes the other.  The extra lines are for statistics and should be ignored.

Whilst searching around the internet looking for a collection of loosely corroborated facts to back this up, I stumbled upon this page, in which the research scientist (I'll let that go, I'm sure he is also a very nice man) James Golik explains the secrets of his incredibly healthy life.

James Golik.  He is 147 and has not so much as had to blow his nose since before the partition of Palestine.  He is able to call forth the strength of ten tigers and only wears glasses to protect passing non-organic fruit and vegetables from his withering laser-vision. 

The part that most caught my eye was his Important Thought and Health Idea Number 20:
I NEVER, EVER, EVER use a microwave oven. If you have to ask why, you may be too dumb to own a human body and it will soon be taken from you.
He then linked to another page detailing, in detail,  the details of a book entitled "Radiation Ovens - The Proven Dangers of Microwaves" by Anthony Wayne and Laurence Newell of the world renowned Christian Law Institute and Fellowship Assembly.  The proof they ejaculate is both sickening, disturbing and wrong:

  1. Eating microwaved food causes permanent brain damage, due to de-magnetization of brain tissue
  2. Vegetables are turned into cancerous free-radicals by microwaves, killing us all.
  3. Microwaved food shuts down male and female hormone production, turning honest, hardworking people into sexless, sub-human drones with only a smooth bulb of flesh where their genitalia once was.
  4. Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability and a decrease in intelligence - effectively moving us several rungs down the social ladder.
  5. Amongst others.
By the time I got to the bottom of the page, I was so terrified that I had dug a small hole under the cover of a tree in my local park, climbed in, wrapped myself in aluminium foil and lay there shivering and intermittently wetting myself for three full days.  When I recovered, I knew that something had to be done!
I had found the reason why people are too stupic to understand alternative therapies!  It is because of the tumerous, free-radicular stupidity given out from our microwave ovens!  But more than that, Golik was right, people with microwaves ARE too dumb to own a human body AND will soon have it taken away from them!  So I am looking for volunteers to help me round up people coming out of Curries and beat them with magic wizard staves until they are either dead or vomit out their poisonous, microwaved free-radical infested internals.  Police officers are particularly welcome to apply.  I will be hanging around the Manchester Arndale semi-permanently from this coming Lammas day.  Maybe then the likes of James Golik and others (see my other posts, for example) will take their rightful places as healer-in-chiefs for the whole wonderful world, and not be simply dismissed as the worst kind of venal and exploitative quacks who prey on the insecurities and fears of the vulnerable.



  1. The Hidden Hazards Of Microwave Cooking
    by Anthony Wayne and Lawrence Newell

  2. Ignorance begets more ignorance