You are too fat and stupid to understand alternative therapy, so throw out your microwave and join the revolution!

I was doing some research into why more people do not use alternative therapies in spite of all of the evidence for the effectiveness of scientific medicine.
After speaking to a lady on a bus, I came to the conclusion that it is because we are all too fat, lazy and stupid to take the time to understand how it works (Fig. 1).

Fig.1 The effect of eating on intelligence in data.  The red boxes show the one causes the other.  The extra lines are for statistics and should be ignored.

Whilst searching around the internet looking for a collection of loosely corroborated facts to back this up, I stumbled upon this page, in which the research scientist (I'll let that go, I'm sure he is also a very nice man) James Golik explains the secrets of his incredibly healthy life.

James Golik.  He is 147 and has not so much as had to blow his nose since before the partition of Palestine.  He is able to call forth the strength of ten tigers and only wears glasses to protect passing non-organic fruit and vegetables from his withering laser-vision. 



The part that most caught my eye was his Important Thought and Health Idea Number 20:

I NEVER, EVER, EVER use a microwave oven. If you have to ask why, you may be too dumb to own a human body and it will soon be taken from you.

He then linked to another page detailing, in detail,  the details of a book entitled "Radiation Ovens - The Proven Dangers of Microwaves" by Anthony Wayne and Laurence Newell of the world renowned Christian Law Institute and Fellowship Assembly.  The proof they ejaculate is both sickening, disturbing and wrong:

1. Eating microwaved food causes permanent brain damage, due to de-magnetization of brain tissue
2. Vegetables are turned into cancerous free-radicals by microwaves, killing us all.
3. Microwaved food shuts down male and female hormone production, turning honest, hardworking people into sexless, sub-human drones with only a smooth bulb of flesh where their genitalia once was.
4. Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability and a decrease in intelligence - effectively moving us several rungs down the social ladder.
5. Amongst others.

By the time I got to the bottom of the page, I was so terrified that I had dug a small hole under the cover of a tree in my local park, climbed in, wrapped myself in aluminium foil and lay there shivering and intermittently wetting myself for three full days.  When I recovered, I knew that something had to be done!

I had found the reason why people are too stupic to understand alternative therapies!  It is because of the tumerous, free-radicular stupidity given out from our microwave ovens!  But more than that, Golik was right, people with microwaves ARE too dumb to own a human body AND will soon have it taken away from them!  So I am looking for volunteers to help me round up people coming out of Curries and beat them with magic wizard staves until they are either dead or vomit out their poisonous, microwaved free-radical infested internals.  Police officers are particularly welcome to apply.  I will be hanging around the Manchester Arndale semi-permanently from this coming Lammas day.  Maybe then the likes of James Golik and others (see my other posts, for example) will take their rightful places as healer-in-chiefs for the whole wonderful world, and not be simply dismissed as the worst kind of venal and exploitative quacks who prey on the insecurities and fears of the vulnerable.

JOIN ME AND LETS RID THE WORLD OF THIS EVIL, TOGETHER.

What is holy? Andreas Moritz's Mongolian stones!

I knew all along that holy things were good things, not just some mumbo-jumbo artifacts and vapid, unfounded ideas dreamed up by delusional monomaniac charlatans and/or latent pederasts.  Take, for example, Andreas Moritz's Mongolian Holy Stones.  As he describes, they heal on contact - if you have a bruise and you leave the stone on it until the bruise heals, then the bruise heals; They are also great for pain relief - simply hold a stone against the pain until it goes away. This is particularly effective for hand pain because you can hold it against the affected area with the affected area (hand) for extra hand relief.

'Amazing!', I can hear you gush; 'Jesus Christ, take my $40 and give me one of these immediately before my sacral chakra sloughs off!', I hear you scream, in near total panic.

But wait...

These stones are actually SCIENTIFICALLY HOLY!

I really had no idea, but, according to the website http://www.mongolianholystone.com/ and six (count them!) recognized research institutes (unnamed) it is the ability to emit infra red energy at 0.98(+/-) microns that makes the stones, and anything else, holy.  The implications of this fact are incredible!

After a very quick google search, I found out that fibreoptic cables use this very wavelength, so our very telephone systems are in fact holy!  Remember that when you next call your mother!

Also, a simple pair of night vision goggles will allow us all to look into the divine.

He can see God

A cow, as seen through night vision goggles, therefore holy.

The holiness in these stones produces anions, which are also holy and the opposite of evil cations such as mercury, which poisons the blood and is often portentous of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes and tsunamis.  They are also able to energize, ionize and balance anything they touch in less than a minute.

Where do I sign?

But now for the depressing news:  These stones are able to activate (or holyize (my word, feel free...) just about anything else on contact - cleansing water, energizing food, making everything holy etc. So, why, oh why is this lame duck government sitting by while we all drown in mercury and lead and toxic waste dumps being stabbed in the tits by godless, half-bison, crack-addled degenerates, instead of simply buying a few truck loads of Chinese aggregates from Dr, sorry, Mr Moritz and paying some civil servants to go around touching everything in sight with them? 

Election day is coming up very soon.  This is the only choice to make.  Other than buying some of these stones....

Things can only get better...

Can't we just give Andreas Moritz and cancer a break?

Sometimes one is forced to stand up for the little man.  Those who keep up with the constant attacks on the character of honest alternative therapists, homeopaths, naturosociopaths, anasopaths and medical intuitives must be aware of the recent hate campaign against the wonderful therapist Andreas Moritz.

In the last week on the web, he has variously and apparently been described as: 'A quack', 'a cancer quack', 'a stupid, dangerous man', 'some schmuck', 'a crackpot', 'a cancer cures quack','an ignorant bullying woo-meister','Quack of the week','quack of the month','quack of the year','another bigtime quack','a dead-eyed, part-lizard future war criminal','one of the very worst things ever to come out of Germany','a shit','El Quacko the giant fucking quacking quack', 'the kind of manipulative, exploitative snake-oil peddler who should, if there is a shred of justice in this sad, cold world, be fed to sharks' and 'an evil, lying, poisonous fuck'.

The crime of this man that justified these brutal personal attacks?  Did he sell a homeopathic remedy that actually contained a single molecule of the active ingredient?  No.  Did he pass off a sugar pill without the requisite half-hour of sympathetic noises and gentle concern?  Nothing of the sort.  All he did was claim that cancer is not a disease, but rather a survival mechanism that we should be grateful to get.   Incidentally, this is the point of view of, at most,  84.673% of the population*.

Some of the points these miserable pedants saw fit to take issue with include:

1.Cancer is a desperate and final attempt by the body to stay alive.

2. Cancer does not attempt to kill the body; to the contrary, it tries to save it

3. Guilt and shame can easily paralyze the body's most basic functions, and lead to the growth of a cancerous tumor.

4. Cancer patients typically suffer from lack of self-respect or worthiness.

5 "Cancer does not cause a person to be sick; it is the sickness of the person that causes the cancer."

Who could possibly argue against the idea that cancer is actually a way of getting us to lead a more spiritual life and possibly buying more crystals, holy stones, plankton and ionic toothbrushes?  Furthermore, who can't see that it is basically our bad relationship with cancer that causes us to feel poorly?  Surely only someone who has an over-inflated ability to produce a complicated Excel spreadsheet!  You don't need years of medical training, a large double-blind testbed and gigabytes of clinical records to see that it JUST MAKES SENSE.  It is not even that he is saying anything particularly new, as this clip from a 2003 government think-tank shows...

 Why do all these people put down the man who is trying to make things a little better for us all?  Give the guy a break, go on, he has a lovely smile and a really neat beard.  While you're at it, just buy some of his products.  Go on, throw large wads of money in his bank account, it will relieve all that niggling, tumorous guilt and shame... buy his stuff... BUY IT NOW!!!!

The Incredible Water Vortex Magnetizer

I had to start this blog with one of the all time classics of homeopathic and isopathic remedy science:  The literally incredible Water vortex magnetizer.

The critics and skeptics were quick to scoff:  “It shows a complete lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of Physics” they cried;  “It is obvious to the most moon-faced schoolboy that you cannot reverse the polarity of hydrogen ions by pouring them from one bottle to another!” they bellowed; “What do you mean, it transfers its own natural vibrational imprint onto any water?  It is just lies!”, they implored into the cold dark night, possibly standing in a little puddle of their own urine.

But how wrong the critics were!  They were just not well-versed in the ground-breaking research of the very pre-eminent scientist Victor Schauberger, possibly because he eschewed publication in peer reviewed journals in order to maintain the purity of his science, and in turn the purity of his water.  How anyone could fail to understand how pouring tap water past a magnet six times ‘at a high rate of speed’ renders it energized and structured,  erased of any imprints of toxins or chemicals and  imploded, with a reduced surface tension and inhibited bacterial growth, is frankly beyond me.  And they are beyond help.

So convinced are the manufacturers of the Water Vortex Magnetizer that you will achieve amazing results, they have a ‘no returns or refunds’ policy on purchases, and at a miraculously cheap $36, why not buy one for everyone you know?  While you are at it, why not lobby your MP to have the Water Vortex Magnetizer available on the NHS?  Those of a technical bent may even wish to hijack the airwaves and broadcast their own home-made advert for the Water Vortex Magnetizer.   There is also talk of a nationwide water boycott until all plumbers are required by law to fit a Water Vortex Magnetizer in every tap in the country.  Don’t give up people, the re-patterning process has begun!

True art cuts deep... at the bleeding edge of science!